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Western Pennsylvania Mensa presents.... TURKEY CALL

By Chris Sartori

We had some big excitement in the neighborhood over the weekend. Sunday afternoon was absolutely gorgeous. I was on the porch resting my eyes (for about two hours) when I was rudely awakened by Phil and his stupid record. He had to pick a beautiful Sunday to put on his stupid turkey call record and practice his stupid turkey calls with his stupid turkey call diaphragm. He was gobblin' away, practicing the spring mating call of the Common Turkus Americanis. Well, let me tell you, I did not take this affront to my auditory sense lying down! I got my boom box and drowned him out with a Muddy Waters CD. Phil did not appreciate this. Phil is not, and never will be, cool enough to appreciate Muddy Waters. Of course Phil reacted to this unsolicited exposure to fine music by turning up the gobblers. That's when Jerry got in on the act with a vengeance. Jerry and Linda live behind us and they hate Phil's turkey calls as much as I do. Jerry was out for blood. He unearthed a secret weapon that must have been collecting dust for the past 20 years-Helen Reddy singing I AM WOMAN! It was too much for me. I felt faint and had to sit down. Even Ms. Reddy singing at 90 decibels didn't deter Phil. He blasted the turkey call record. His speakers must have been turned up the whole way to 10. I could actually feel the woofer vibrations bouncing off my sternum. The tweeters were tweeting out those mating calls like there was no tomorrow. All this passionate noise must have struck a chord with the local flock. Suddenly the sky grew black with giant birds flying in. Every female turkey in North Park must have found her way to Phil's backyard. The place went crazy! Let's just say those gals were "in the mood." They started pecking at Phil's window screens trying to get to that gobblin' hunk of burning love (the recorded turkey, not Phil). Phil finally came to his senses and turned off his record. In doing so, he managed to turn off most of the "turkettes" too. Some of them are still hanging around, hoping to get lucky. This had better not lower our property values.

Reprinted from the May, 1999 issue of THE PHOENIX,
the monthly newsletter of Western Pennsylvania Mensa,
Tamara Wardell, editor.   Reprinted with permission.

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© 1999 Amby Duncan-Carr   and   Chris Sartori   All rights reserved.

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